One thing I've become increasingly convinced of after 37 years of leadership is that the toughest person I'll ever have to lead is myself.

It's easy to look at what's happening around me.

My team. The problems. The decisions. The people who aren't doing what I hoped they would do.

Sometimes the more important leadership work is happening somewhere nobody else can see.

Inside me.

I've found it helpful to think about three areas: my head, heart and emotions.

What's happening in my head?

We all talk to ourselves.

Sometimes the voice is encouraging.

Sometimes it isn't.

I'm not good enough.

I can't do this.

What if I fail?

What will people think?

The danger is that if we repeat something for long enough, we can start leading as though it's true.

Leading yourself well means learning to notice your self-talk, challenge what isn't true and change the things you are telling yourself.

What's happening in my heart?

This one goes deeper.

Psalm 139 contains a courageous prayer:

“Search me, God, and know my heart.”

I've prayed that prayer.

On one occasion, I felt God highlight three uncomfortable things in me:

Selfishness. Cynicism. Showing off.

I didn't particularly enjoy discovering them. But I needed to.

Jesus taught that the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart, and in Proverbs we are told to guard our hearts because everything we do flows from it.

What's happening inside me may eventually find its way into how I lead.

So I need to remain willing to ask:

God, what's happening in my heart that I need to see?

What are my emotions doing?

My EQ-i emotional intelligence profile taught me something else about myself.

I score highly for independence and lower for empathy.

Those aren't labels that make me a good or bad leader, but they do help me understand how I naturally operate.

My independence means I can get on with things without needing much support.

If I'm not self-aware, I can assume other people operate the same way. They don't.

And the way they experience my leadership matters.

My intention might be good.

But their experience isn't wrong simply because it wasn't my intention.

This is where self-awareness becomes self-leadership.

The goal isn't to become someone else. Instead, it is to understand yourself well enough to lead yourself better.

Remember: what's happening in your head, heart, and emotions affects everyone you are trying to lead.

So perhaps before asking:

“What's wrong with them?”

You need to ask:

“What's happening in me?”

And that is a question I'm still learning to ask after 37 years.

This week's reflection

Which needs your attention right now ~ your head, your heart or your emotions?

What might change in your leadership if you were willing to deal honestly with what's happening there?